Balancing Dreams with Anxiety: A New Approach to Self-Care

I’m 21, and all my life I’ve been anxious about the future. It’s not getting better. There are a lot of things that worry me – no job prospects even with a degree under my belt; I won’t be able to find a partner who will respect me; I’ll never own a house. And outside these, of course, I’m worried about climate change and global politics.

The advice I have been offered is to “not think about it” or “focus on what I personally can control”. But I have dreams and aspirations; I want to be a writer and an artist and I am working harder than ever to make those things happen, even if AI might make those fields even more competitive. So my question is: How do I balance my dreams and aspirations practically, and take care of myself, without living in a bubble?

Eleanor says: There’s a widespread idea that taking care of ourselves means retreating from these problems, and the task is to work out how much retreat is too much. I think this is a lie sold by people who want us to consider epsom salts a form of resistance. I think a lot of us could afford to stop looking for ways to feel better and start looking for ways to fight, in part because fighting can be the best way to feel better. The struggle is the route to the comfort.

Think about a similar phenomenon, when facing a massive to-do list. It’s so overwhelming that I feel bad; I feel so bad I can’t start; I need to do something comforting now so I can feel OK enough to start later. As you’ll know, though, there is no analgesic like actually facing the problem. Any form of relief that involves turning away is so brittle by comparison. Your body knows it’s only hiding.

It’s the same for the things that worry you. You’re right to feel worried about the climate, what AI might do to creative and intellectual industries, your job prospects and economic future, why romantic respect feels so rare. I feel the exact same way. So many young people like you do. Some centre of gravity has been kicked out. But the primary problem is not feeling anxious, any more than the primary problem after losing your keys is that you feel stressed. The primary problem is that they’re gone. Our primary problem is that this really is happening.

And just like with the to-do list, there is no truer way of feeling better than to turn around and face it.

Why can’t you afford a house? Why is work so insecure? Who else is stuck in this with you? Are you meeting and thinking with other people who are also mad that they likely won’t own property? Are you friends with other people attending to the environmental future?

I promise you – I promise you – there is a really special kind of relief available when you find other people to fight and think about these things with. Your writing and your art will be better for it too.

Maybe you won’t own a house, but you’ll feel awake. Maybe you won’t find a partner who respects you, but you’ll feel seen by people who know you should not have to choose between companionship and esteem. In the same way you feel better once you start the to-do list, you’ll feel braver and stronger and truer the more you engage with the problems.

“Don’t think about it” and “focus on what you can control”? Tell that person to kick rocks. Think about it more. Try to expand what you can control. The US philosopher John Dewey said the cure for democracy is more democracy. I think the cure for struggle is more struggle.

There’s a despair tax on seriously engaging with this stuff and I wish you didn’t have to pay it so young. And there is not a linear relationship between how much you fight and how good you feel. But living in a bubble is not caring for yourself, so you do not have to choose. The genuine relief comes from turning, facing and fighting.