Weâve all been there. Itâs a lovely summerâs day and you just want a bit of me time. A quiet lunch of champagne and oysters. As you do. Anything to get away from having to pretend you are interested in the people of Clacton. Hell, itâs bad enough being expected to actually visit Clacton â who in their right mind would want to do that? â let alone having to talk to the little people who live there.
So, youâre just minding your own business when who should turn up but two of your closest mates in politics â or contractors who youâve barely heard of, as you prefer to call them â saying they have been having meetings with an American donor and his son who have already given you more than ÂŁ30,000 for an opinion poll you have commissioned and now want to bung you another ÂŁ500,000. And these guys would like to meet you.
The cheek of it. Two strangers, one of them even a foreigner, who want to take up an hour of your time. And all youâre going to get for it is half a million quid. Who do they think you are? Donât they know the Thailand-based crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne stumped up a ÂŁ5m gift? Admittedly, several hundred Cameo users have bought you for ÂŁ80 a pop, but that was at least a few months ago. Things have changed. Besides, that wasnât really being bought. More a short-term rental.
These wasters are basically insulting you. But youâre a tolerant kind of guy. You choose to indulge them. If you have a fault itâs that youâre never chippy and are unfailingly polite. Everyone tells you that. So you go along with them even though they have nothing of value to offer you. Yes, Yes. Thatâs fascinating. Thank you so much. But all along, youâre not really listening at all. Youâre just zoning out. Trying to chill out in the sun. All youâre really thinking is of getting the first train out of Clacton.
Over the past few days, Reform have been in a tailspin over the Channel 4 News sting that appeared to show the party was intensely relaxed about breaking the law by taking money from overseas. First, they tried to style it out. It was a hoax. Nothing to see here. It was an establishment plot carried out by anti-establishment climate protesters. Go figure. Then, as the net closed in, they started to panic. No one had a clear line on anything. Dan Jukes, Nigel Farageâs long-term protege, and James Orr, the lawyer turned Cambridge academic turned Reform head of policy, left the party. Anything to buy some breathing space. All that mattered now was Saving Private Nige. Everyone else was expendable.
So for his interview with the BBCâs Laura Kuenssberg that was recorded on Saturday but broadcast on Sunday morning, Nige was keen to distance himself from any allegation of wrongdoing. That person in the film that people said was him? It was actually an avatar. Who knows how many versions of Nige might be in play at any one time? Heâs a very busy man.
But whichever Nige it had been, he was certain that he hadnât been listening as the people around him were discussing in some detail not only how they exactly planned to break the law but how they had done so in the past. I mean, that was just pub talk. Who doesnât like to boast about apparently criminal behaviour over a couple of drinks?
Laura K seemed rather taken aback by this. She wasnât the only one. Because it turns out Nige is capable of holding down his part in a conversation when he isnât even listening. What a gift that must be. Most of us distinctly remember him saying, when the talk turned to the polling, that Nige insists he had no idea he had been funded by foreign money, that the polling had been âamazingâ, had provided âbang for buckâ and âit had worked â boomâ. Perhaps he was just talking in his sleep. Or had had his brain hacked by the establishment. He even made a point of thanking the donors.
Not that they were donors, of course. Maybe that was the bit that hurt the most. The realisation that the offer had never been genuine. Then came the distancing. Jukes and Orr had been âinjudicious at bestâ. That would suggest that at worst they might have been ⌠maybe thatâs one for the lawyers.
What you had to remember was that Nige had never been close to Dan. Had never really liked him. Come to think of it, he had no idea why he had allowed him to be his right-hand gofer for the last 10 years. As for James, he was just an ingenu. A dreamer. It was totally unreasonable to expect someone who had trained as a finance lawyer to know anything about ⌠er, the law concerning party funding. And it was just daft to think that a Cambridge ethics professor should behave ethically. Orrâs thesis had been on âdivine lawmakingâ. Perhaps breaking the law had been Godâs will.
Dan and James had just been freelancing. They didnât really work for Reform. So any alleged law breaking was one step further removed from Nige. Besides, as Reform leader, it wasnât his job to be the compliance officer. Even though no one apparently knew the rules governing party donations better than him. He was the worldâs leading expert. That was by the by. His job was just to be the frontman. To smile and shake a few hands. He had just been doing what he had been told.
Yes, said Laura, by now totally confused. But you did appear to be up to speed as the potential donor outlined how a scheme like that would be breaking the law and told him, âitâs all above boardâ, she said. Worried that she might be losing the plot. No, said Nige. What he had said was: âIs it all above board?â Except he hadnât. He had definitely said it as a statement. Still, that cleared up one thing. The reason he hadnât been listening was because he had hearing difficulties. One that made him turn every sentence on its head. Hopefully the police will take that into consideration if they get round to starting an investigation. Nige could do with a break.
