One thing that seems to bring people together is their feeling of isolation.
One in five U.S. adults reported feeling lonely “for a significant portion of the day” during 2024, and the population is still battling what experts have described as a “loneliness epidemic.”
Feelings of loneliness are linked to poor health, and a lack of social connections may hinder your success, according to psychologist Dr. Angela Duckworth at the University of Pennsylvania.
In her latest book, Situated: Find the People and Places That Bring Out Your Best, Duckworth explains that internal motivation is not the only factor that distinguishes successful people, but that available resources, the environment, and the people around them play an essential role as well.
"We often hear the phrase, 'You can't control the situation, but you can control how you respond to it,'" Duckworth says.
She continued, "I don't think this statement is correct, as you can actually control certain aspects of a situation, such as choosing the situations you decide to be a part of."
A lot of advice about making friends may seem silly, but focusing on three specific areas can make a tangible impact on your social life.
The importance of emotional openness
Before rushing into new relationships, it may be helpful to take a hard look at your surrounding environment and see if you can remove barriers to connecting with others.
More specifically, ask yourself how your use of technology affects your social life, both positively and negatively.
In fact, Dr. Sherry Terkel, professor of social studies of science and technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, believes that relying on technology may increase your feelings of loneliness.
She explained: “Technology played a major role in enhancing this matter because it made it possible to feel the atmosphere of friendship without bearing the burdens of emotional openness, in addition to feeling intimacy without the requirements of that emotional openness.”
But she stressed that “intimacy or friendship cannot be achieved without emotional openness.”
People are increasingly turning to AI-powered chatbots to conduct conversations.
However, Terkel, author of Artificial Intimacy: Who Do We Be When We Talk to Machines, says that no matter how much the messages appear to come from humans, what people experience when speaking to AI is merely a simulation of empathy and connection, not real communication.
To meet your real needs for communication, she stated that it is necessary to talk to people who can understand you, show empathy with you, discuss with you when you differ in opinion, and motivate you to practice the social skills that make you part of a community.
Build your social “muscle.”
You're likely to meet a lot of people with whom you don't feel deeply connected before you meet those with whom you do, but they are no less important, says Dr. Lynn Bufka, chief executive psychologist for professional practice at the American Psychological Association.
Bufka points out that saying hello to a clerk at a coffee shop, waiting in line instead of heading directly to the self-checkout machine, chatting after a pottery learning session, or joining a running club may seem like simple things.
But these situations can help you deal with feelings of loneliness and prepare you to connect with people who may become important in your life later.
Maybe the result is a friendly exchange that lifts your spirits for the rest of the day, or maybe a casual greeting keeps you open to the possibility of meeting someone you're a perfect fit with. Even if none of those things happen, you will have developed a “social muscle” that will help you next time.
Courage and curiosity
Bufka believes that one of the skills that you should focus on in your long-term plan to combat loneliness is the ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies stepping out of your usual comfort zone.
Starting a conversation or initiating communication may seem scary, especially when you don't know how the other person will react, but viewing it as an "experiment," rather than a risk of rejection, may make the move easier, according to Bufka.
She also added: "It requires us to get out of our comfort zone, and not consider the reactions we receive from others as evidence of an unwillingness to communicate with us."
For Bufka, it's simply a matter of "finding the right person to have that conversation with."
For his part, Scott Shigeoka, a Bridging Differences Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, points out that curiosity is another important skill to hone. One of the main obstacles that the digital world has imposed on our lives is that it confines us into closed groups based on who we agree with and who we disagree with.
“Curiosity really helps us see the person in front of us and understand their essence,” he explains.
You don't need to find people who are like you in every way. You have to learn how to connect with them, whether through commonalities or differences.
