If you're in an unhappy relationship, it's probably really heartbreaking - literally.
Intense arguments can lead to poor sleep quality and even heartache and muscle pain. They make everyone in the family—including children—more susceptible to physical and mental health problems.
While a happy relationship can improve your health and even extend your life, an unhappy relationship can have the opposite effect, eroding your health bit by bit and increasing your risk of premature death.
In fact, poor quality relationships are considered a health risk factor that is as serious as, or even greater than, smoking or physical inactivity. And, of course, there's that metaphorical heartache: the pain of a relationship slowly falling apart.
So, how do you turn an unhappy relationship into a happy one? Is this even possible?
A growing body of research is revealing some surprising answers and giving hope to couples determined to turn things around.
Why do couples fight?
If you're new to a new relationship and your first fight with your partner is over unwashed dishes, you may have glimpsed the distant future: Research shows that the themes couples fight about tend to be fairly constant throughout the relationship.
These recurring problems are called "eternal" or "gridlocked" problems.
"Those impasse issues may involve finances, parenting, sex life, or how they negotiate power in the relationship," psychologist Carrie Cole, research director at The Gottman Institute in Seattle, told the BBC.
But it can also revolve around seemingly trivial things like neatness.
In one longitudinal study, psychologist John Gottman and his team observed couples arguing four years later during an initial assessment and found that 69 percent of the time, couples were still fighting over the same issues they had argued four years earlier.
Other studies show similar patterns: core issues such as money appear repeatedly in conflicts across families and even cultures.
Disagreement over money, in particular, can lead to the longest and most intense arguments. In addition, uneven distribution of household chores is another source of tension and may increase the chances of divorce.
Arguments themselves are not necessarily a bad thing. It might just be the natural process of learning to understand each other and respond to each other's needs. Couples who get along well and unhappy couples actually quarrel.
Research shows that the key difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they treat each other—both in and outside of an argument.
Four Behaviors That Can Ruin a Relationship
Cole cites research that points to four specific behaviors that indicate your relationship may be heading for a breakup: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (i.e., refusing to engage in conflict or withdrawing from an argument).
"These four behaviors can ruin a relationship," she says, but adds: "They can be repaired if a couple wants to." (Specific suggestions below.)
For example, disagreements over money or household chores may cause friction between a couple, but how the couple behaves during the conflict may determine the fate of the relationship.
In fact, it's not just the relationship itself that's at risk: other research shows that constant criticism from a partner significantly predicts early death.
Arguments involving this type of behavior, combined with aggression and hostility, are called destructive arguments and may ultimately increase the risk of divorce.
However, constructive arguments—centered on respect, curiosity, and kindness, and focusing on joint problem-solving—strengthen relationships.
A key factor here is responsiveness: feeling that your partner listens to you, supports you, and understands you.
Feeling responsive in your partner is not only associated with greater marital satisfaction, it can even buffer the body's inflammatory response and increase health and longevity.
Kindness and cooperation can also accumulate long-term goodwill.
A 20-year study of married couples showed that shared decision-making and equal sharing of household chores were associated with higher marital happiness and lower conflict.
In addition, how couples argue may even affect sleep: destructive arguments are associated with poor sleep quality, while constructive arguments are associated with good sleep quality.
couples therapy
If you're in an unhappy relationship, it can feel nearly impossible to turn an argument filled with bitterness and hostility into a kind and supportive conversation. But there's plenty of evidence that it's possible - with treatment, for example.
Research shows that couples therapy has a positive impact on 70% of couples who receive therapy. It can help improve relationship problems, increase relationship satisfaction, prevent relationship difficulties, strengthen emotional intimacy, and can also help improve personal emotional or physical health problems.
"Most couples who get to therapy have had their empathy drained away," Prof Jay Lebow, a couples therapist and professor of clinical psychology at Northwestern University Family Institute, told the BBC.
He co-authored an extensive review that found couples therapy to be effective. He added that one of the challenges in therapy is: "How do we rebuild empathy?"
There are some signs the treatment is working, he said.
"One of them is the client's ability to improve his speaking and listening skills. That sounds simple enough, but when you're in a troubled relationship, listening becomes very difficult."
He says running a relationship is also about "being able to step back and ask: What's going on between us, rather than what's wrong with my partner?"
"Tell me more"
Cole, a psychotherapist, told the BBC that in her sessions with couples, there were two specific signs that made her feel hopeful - indicating that the couple had a chance to get through it and deal with the problem together.
One is for one partner to say to the other, "I can understand why you feel that way."
Because, to Cole, this means that the other party is "accepting the influence." "What I mean is that they can see each other's perspective as valid, even if it may be different from their own."
Another telltale sign is: "Are they still curious about each other? If so, there's hope."
Even if they disagree with what the other person is saying, she said, "They'll say things like, 'Tell me more, how did you come up with this idea?'"
LeBeau stressed that if people are willing to deal with their problems, "the evidence is pretty strong and the results will be good."
share dreams
To resolve deadlocked conflicts, Cole says it helps to understand each other's dreams and goals.
She gives the example of a couple who came to help after repeated arguments about money: Both grew up in poverty, but the experience shaped them in very different ways.
In this case, the wife's focus was on ensuring financial security and independence through savings and careful budgeting. The husband wants to spend his hard-earned money on nice things and enjoy the feeling of integrating into society and no longer being isolated by poverty.
But this leads to endless consumer squabbles.
"They kept fighting about these things but never got to the real reason for the fight," Cole said.
In therapy, they listened to each other talk about the painful experience of childhood poverty and how it shaped their life goals. They learned to compromise with each other and agree on how much they would save and how much they would be free to spend.
A better way to break up
It can help them cope with the breakup itself, as well as the impact it may have on their mental health: it may make the breakup a little less hostile. If you already have children, it can also help couples support their children’s mental health.
Although a breakup or divorce can be excruciatingly painful, "These are the moments when you really get to know yourself."
"This is a time when many people learn something very valuable for the rest of their lives."
But LeBeau added that practicing skills like listening and empathy can help more than just troubled couples: "Even people who are already in a good relationship can make their relationship better."
