Before school started, Sichuan girl Chen Zitang received 1,800 yuan from her parents. In addition to this fixed monthly living allowance, she also has her own "small treasury", which is the part-time salary and scholarships she has saved. Living expenses cover basic expenses such as daily meals and purchasing daily necessities. When she doesn't have enough money, she will give priority to using her "small treasury" instead of asking her parents for money.
Yin hope, a senior student, received a "huge sum" of 20,000 yuan, which was his living expenses for a whole year. He made a calculation: excluding winter and summer vacations, the living expenses will be spread equally over 9 months, which is about 2,200 yuan per month, which is enough to cover daily expenses. If you spend too much in one month, you can transfer it from the next month’s funds. "My parents trust me with spending money," Yin hope said.
Every time when school starts, "how much living expenses do college students need per month?" always becomes a hot topic on social platforms. Some parents "strictly control" their children by a monthly quota, making it difficult for them to ask for more money; some parents make a one-time payment and college students "control it independently"; what's more, posts like "My child has been admitted to a certain school in a certain place, is 7,000 yuan a month enough?" has become a traffic password.
A sum of living expenses connects different views on money and has also become a concrete exercise for college students in the process of becoming independent. It means whether young people who enter college and leave their families can start to make decisions about their own lives, and how parents can learn to slowly let go.
The "entry" to gain control of your life
After entering college, Chen Zitang clearly felt for the first time that he needed to start making more decisions in life.
1,800 yuan is not a lot, but she gradually formed her own method: living expenses are just basic expenses, and part-time jobs and scholarships are saved into a "small treasury." In her spare time, she works as a tutor, helps nearby residents take care of the elderly, and picks up express delivery.
“I don’t want to rely on my parents all the time and ask for things from home.” Chen Zitang feels that the “small treasury” she has saved is to prepare for future internships, rent an apartment, and really enter the society. It is the foundation for her future life.
Compared with her classmates who had fixed living expenses every month and "spared on food and clothing" at the end of the month, Yin Xi felt that her parents gave her a lot of financial autonomy. "I can decide how much to spend every month and how to spend it. While gaining freedom, I also learned to better manage money."
According to Chen Xiao, a professor at the Department of Applied Psychology at Guangdong Baiyun University, this is where college living expenses differ from pocket money in middle school.
In middle school, most students live within family and school arrangements, and their consumption and life choices are relatively limited. After entering college, they have to fully plan for the first time how to spend money and how to live. "The core point is not only about living expenses, but about whether my life is decided by me or my parents," Chen Xiao said.
Therefore, living expenses are not only a financial support, but also an entrance for college students to gain control over their own lives.
But "I have the final say" does not mean that everyone can have "freedom" as soon as they enter college.
Yang Aoran, a junior student studying in Wuhan, has always insisted on keeping accounts every day. He also uses his spare time to do his own "small business" and uses the money he earns as pocket money. However, his living expenses once fluctuated with his relationship status.
When you are in a long-distance relationship, you have to bear the cost of high-speed rail and accommodation every time you meet. Parents believe that boys should bear more responsibility in love, and will give Yang Aoran an extra 1,000 yuan per month in "love funds" in addition to daily expenses, which can be used for dates, travel and holiday gifts. After the breakup, the money was cancelled.
Pang Yu has 3,000 yuan per month for living expenses, which covers expenses such as meals, travel, daily necessities, social entertainment, etc. Large purchases are subsidized by her parents. Even so, she often found she didn't have enough money at the end of the month.
Every time they ask for money, their parents always ask: "Where did the 3,000 yuan go?" Pang Yu can't answer. A lot of money is not spent on a certain expensive consumption, but on expenditures that "seem not expensive" one after another.
Later, she took the initiative to ask her parents: Can the monthly living expenses be divided into several payments? Once every ten days may make it easier for you to control your consumption.
Chen Xiao found that some parents in universities would ask their children to explain in detail where every money went, and even ask their children to submit bills. However, if parents want to interfere with every expense of their children, they may also ignore the subjectivity of their children as independent individuals.
At this time, "care" turned into questioning every money, and living expenses changed from support to a source of stress in the relationship between the two parties. "If parents pay too much attention to every consumption of their children, they may need to think about whether they are helping their children manage their lives, or whether they are trying to relieve their own anxiety by controlling their children's consumption." Chen Xiao said.
There are also parents who don't care about their children's living expenses at all, and give them whatever they need. "This may seem great, but some children may think that you don't care about me at all and just throw money at me." Chen Xiao said that complete letting go and micromanaging control essentially fail to treat children as independent individuals who need to communicate.
Chen Xiao suggested that if college students already have strong independent living and consumption planning abilities, parents can gradually let go. Some young people have just entered college and have not yet formed a stable sense of money. Parents can provide certain assistance first. For freshmen, it is not necessary to provide living expenses for a semester or even a year at once at the beginning. After a period of observation, the payment method can be gradually adjusted according to the actual situation.
From "manager" to "ally"
Yang Aoran likes basketball and occasionally buys a pair of expensive basketball shoes. My parents didn't quite understand, so there was some friction between the two parties. In his opinion, this is more due to the difference in consumption concepts between the two generations: it is difficult for parents to understand the consumption needs of young people, and children may not fully understand their parents' caution about money.
Conflicts between parents and children about living expenses sometimes occur not only on whether it is enough, but also on whether they should spend it this way.
As a mother, Zhang Bingbing is trying to deal with this difference in another way. She gives her daughter, who is studying in a local university, 1,600 yuan a month. This amount is not decided unilaterally, but is discussed jointly by the mother and daughter based on the local consumption level and family income. She will care about where her daughter's money is spent, but she doesn't think she needs to make every purchase decision for her daughter. The money earned by her daughter from working part-time or receiving a scholarship is entirely her own arrangement.
Another mother, Xu Qinyang, went a step further. She gives her daughter 1,500 yuan per month and links the living expenses to some study and personal goals: if the English check-in and weight loss plan are completed well, the living expenses will increase accordingly. After the money was handed over to her daughter, she no longer specified specific uses, hoping to use this method to cultivate her daughter's self-discipline and money awareness.
The two mothers have different approaches, but both are looking for a boundary between "assistance" and "control."
In Chen Xiao's view, college is an important stage for role transformation in the parent-child relationship. In the past, parents were the ones who arranged and managed their children's lives. But as children grow into adulthood, parents need to slowly shift from "managers" to "allies."
"Allies mean that we can sit down together to discuss problems and analyze plans, rather than one managing and one being managed." Chen Xiao suggested that when children first start to live independently, parents can act as consultants and supporters, but the final decision-making power should gradually be handed over to the children.
"Don't always use money to threaten children. If there is any problem, just say, 'I will cut off your living expenses.'" Chen Xiao believes that if living expenses are used as a threat, it has essentially become a kind of psychological control, and children will think that the parent-child relationship is only maintained by money. A better way is to tell your children: Now your life is gradually controlled and mastered by yourself, and I believe you can.
However, "independence" does not mean that children can no longer ask their parents for help.
Chen Xiao once met a student who told him that he had no money to eat that day, but he still refused to tell his parents. It's not because I don't want to trouble my family, but because I'm afraid of being blamed by my parents and afraid of explaining every expense. "If even the basic life cannot be guaranteed, but the children dare not say it, then what needs to be reflected is not only the child's inability to save money, but also whether the parent-child relationship has lost the channel for help."
Chen Xiao believes that the nature of demand needs to be distinguished first. If the basic living expenses can no longer be met, they should communicate with their parents candidly; but if the needs are non-essential consumption such as purchasing expensive electronic products, college students should also start to think about whether they can be solved through savings, part-time jobs, etc., instead of treating all needs as the responsibility of their parents to meet.
For college students who are gradually becoming independent, this distinction is also a kind of growth: they neither regard asking parents for help as a shame nor take their parents' financial support for granted.
Learn to establish a “mental account”
How to allow college students to gain sufficient autonomy in life while avoiding conflicts caused by out-of-control consumption? Chen Xiao gave a more specific suggestion: learn to establish a "mental account."
For example, a month's living expenses do not necessarily have to be regarded as a sum of money that can be mixed and used at will, but divided into different "accounts": how much is for food, how much is for study expenses, how much is for social entertainment, and the remaining part is used as mobile funds.
In this way, when there is only 300 yuan left in the entertainment account, it will be easier for students to realize whether they should continue to spend than when facing a vague total balance.
"Teaching children how to build awareness of money and financial management is more meaningful than controlling how they spend every money," Chen Xiao said.
In addition to "how to spend money", "how to talk about money" is equally important.
When a child tells his or her parents that the living expenses are not enough, the most likely question for parents to ask may be: "Where did the money go?" But Chen Xiao believes that truly effective communication should start with understanding the child's life.
Instead of checking the bills at the beginning, it is better to first ask: "How are you doing at school recently?" "How are you eating?" "Is there anything that needs money recently?" Sometimes, children will not directly say "living expenses are not enough", but will reveal their recent living status in the chat.
"Money is just one of the many problems in a child's life." Chen Xiao said that instead of simply focusing on how much money their children spend, parents should also care about how their children learn and live in school, including making friends, studying and adapting to college life.
"In the final analysis, living expenses are an opportunity for children to practice controlling their own lives. Only when you give them trust can they learn to truly bear the consequences of their choices after gaining the right to choose." Chen Xiao said.
(At the request of the interviewees, Chen Zitang, Pang Yu, Zhang Bingbing, and Xu Qinyang are pseudonyms)
Intern Qiao Ruirui Yang Yitong China Youth Daily·China Youth Daily reporter Yu Bingyue
Source: China Youth Daily
