Marcos, a 14-year-old teenager, returns home after spending the entire day outside. His mother reminds him that he had agreed to empty the dishwasher and take out the trash. Marcos responds with shouts and in a bad manner, and when his mother insists that it was what was agreed upon and that he must contribute to order at home, the argument escalates. A few days later, faced with a similar situation, Marcos doesn't just shout: he insults and slams the door. Little by little, her mother begins to measure her words, to avoid certain topics and to ask herself, before demanding that she do or stop doing something, how she is going to react.
One day, Marcos' mother realizes something terrible: she is afraid of her own son.
Most fathers and mothers are not able to imagine a situation like this. However, this type of violence from children to parents is more present than we think: in 2024, the State Attorney General's Office registered 4,425 proceedings involving minors for domestic violence against parents and siblings. And this figure includes only the cases that reach the judicial system. It can appear in all types of families, without necessarily having previous situations of violence or aggression during childhood. Nor are they solely the result of authoritarian or violent upbringing.
When a son or daughter yells, insults or intimidates, many families end up responding in two opposite ways: increasing the punishments or giving in to avoid a new explosion. Neither option works.
In the first case, they are trapped in a feedback loop: the greater the violence, the greater the need to react; and the more you react, the more the conflict intensifies.
In the second, giving in can reduce the conflict in the short term, but it can also cause the fear of a new reaction to end up conditioning the parents' decisions. Little by little, they stop setting certain limits or addressing certain topics to avoid a new explosion.
In this way, some families end up trapped in a coexistence marked by fear, anguish and uncertainty. Obviously, coexistence deteriorates and the feeling of security at home is broken. Parents feel that, little by little, they are losing control of the situation.
The solution is not to impose more authority, but to recover it in another way: without fueling the escalation of the conflict.
What alternatives exist? The Spanish Society for the Study of Child-Parental Violence (SEVIFIP) proposes “non-violent resistance”. This approach, developed by Israeli psychology professor Haim Omer, proposes reclaiming authority without fighting for control. It is not about giving up limits, but about exercising them calmly, avoiding entering into a dynamic of permanent confrontation. Because setting limits and punishing are different things.
The model is based on a simple but deeply transformative idea: a son or daughter needs to know that their violent behavior will not be accepted, but also that their place within the family will never be in doubt.
This can be achieved by “pressing the pause button”: avoiding responding impulsively to aggression or provocation, and first regulating one's own emotions to be able to intervene from serenity.
For example, if our child starts insulting us during an argument, instead of responding to the insult, raising our voice, or imposing a punishment at that moment, we can stop the conversation and tell him that we will talk about what happened when we are both calmer. It is not about ignoring what happened or giving in, but about postponing the response to prevent the conflict from escalating further.
Regulating one's emotions in the face of aggression does not mean being permissive, nor does it mean looking the other way or letting the violence pass. It means preventing fear, anger or frustration from taking control and leading to an impulsive response. It is about regaining calm to choose the right moment and way to deal with the situation. Or, as one of its principles summarizes, act when “the iron is cold.” Only in this way is it possible to exercise firm, serene and coherent authority.
For example, if our child slams a door or hits an object during an argument, our first reaction may be to follow him, demand that he come back immediately, or threaten him with punishment. Instead of acting out of anger, we can give ourselves a few minutes to calm down and return to what happened later. Waiting does not mean letting the behavior go: the boundary is still there, but it is addressed when the tension has subsided.
This technique goes beyond conflict management. It also seeks to repair the relationship with the children. For this reason, it proposes increasing parental presence through small daily gestures – a message asking how the day went or a shared activity – that remind them that they are still loved, even if their behavior must change. These gestures are not intended to reward violent behavior, but rather to rebuild a bond that the conflict has usually deeply damaged.
Another of the pillars of the model is to break the silence. Fear, guilt or shame isolate many families. Faced with this, being able to recognize the problem allows you to search for and create a support network made up of family, friends or professionals. Asking for help does not mean failing, but rather stopping facing violence alone.
To facilitate access in Spanish to this approach, we have adapted the Manual for Parents of Nonviolent Resistance with the collaboration of specialized professionals. This resource allows families to learn about the principles and strategies of nonviolent resistance and can serve as support to understand and confront these situations, without attempting to replace professional support.
When violence is recurrent, there is fear in the home or threats or attacks occur, it is advisable to go to specialized professionals who can assess the situation and adapt the intervention to the needs of each family.
Child-to-parent violence does not allow for simple solutions and, in many cases, requires specialized intervention. But models such as nonviolent resistance show that there is an alternative to permanent confrontation.
No father, mother or child should feel that their home is no longer a safe place. Regaining authority is not about winning a battle. It consists of rebuilding a coexistence in which, when opening the door of the house, no one has to wonder with fear what will happen today.
