How to make friends is a question of great concern to college students born in 2005. Tang said: "I want close friendship, but I am afraid of being overly invaded. Will the sense of boundaries make the friendship cold? Where to draw the boundary so that it will not hurt the relationship? I find that many people around me are stuck in this confusion." As the mainstream of traditional culture, Confucianism still affects people's lives and ideas. Let's take a look at how Confucianism views this issue.
what is true friendship
The "boundaries" that Mr. Tang mentioned refer to the boundaries between people, or the principles and rules for people to interact with each other. In interpersonal communication, individuals are self-centered and experience and feel the many differences and distances between themselves and others, that is, the sense of boundaries.
Confucianism believes that the interactions between different people have different boundaries and sense of boundaries, which can be roughly divided into three levels: First, the friendship between villains only has the exchange of interests, which seems to be close, but in fact there is no real friendship. The boundaries of communication can be stretched, contracted, and broken. There are no fixed boundaries and sense of boundaries. Everything is for the benefit of others. Benefit is the center; secondly, the friendship between gentlemen is like-minded, has common pursuits, and has a common sense of boundaries and boundaries; thirdly, the best-cultivated gentleman has a sense of boundaries and no boundaries. In the words of Confucius, he means doing whatever he wants, but not going beyond the boundaries he should have ("The Analects of Confucius: Governance").
True friendship lies in helping each other achieve self-improvement, which is the so-called "friendship assists benevolence" ("The Analects of Confucius·Yan Yuan"). From the perspective of Confucianism, although human nature is good, it is only a bud, and it is necessary to continuously cultivate oneself to achieve the perfection of morality. In this process, friends play an important supporting role, which is specifically reflected in two aspects.
One, for sure. Good friends can properly affirm themselves ("Xunzi: Self-cultivation") and help themselves expand the buds of kindness.
Second, admonition. It is not easy for people to discover their own shortcomings, and it is difficult to correct them when they are discovered. Friends persuade each other with kindness to achieve the perfection of each other's virtues. There is no better way to get along with friends than this ("Mencius Li Lou Xia"). Confucius said, if you love him, can you not let him work hard? If you are loyal to him, can you not give advice? ("The Analects of Confucius·Xianwen") From the perspective of Confucianism, the perfection of virtue is a person's most long-term and fundamental interest, and the spiritual closeness and agreement between friends are the embodiment of close friendship. Moreover, in the process of self-improvement, friends only play a supporting role rather than a dominant role, which also delimits the boundaries of friendship in the sense of friendship.
What kind of people do you make friends with?
Precisely because the meaning of friendship is to help the other person improve his or her virtue, Confucius advocated making friends with upright people, making friends with honest people, and making friends with knowledgeable people ("The Analects of Confucius·Ji Shi"). He even said not to make friends with people who are inferior to yourself ("The Analects of Confucius·Xueer"), but to be happy having many "virtuous friends" ("The Analects of Confucius·Ji Shi").
Zixia listened to the teacher's words and told his students, I will associate with people who can associate with them; I will refuse to associate with people who cannot associate with them ("The Analects of Confucius·Zizhang"). Being good at choosing friends is a reflection of a person's virtue, ability and wisdom. The kind of friends a person makes also means what kind of person he is ("Xunzi·General Introduction"). Therefore, choosing who to make friends with is a reflection of the demarcation and sense of boundaries at the beginning of the friendship.
Tang classifies friends into two categories: one is "friends who are on the same journey", such as classmates, teammates, people who have worked together, etc.; the other is "friends who resonate deeply", such friends "can talk about values and inspire each other." There is naturally affirmation and admonishment in the stimulation. In-depth communication not only integrates emotions, but also determines the boundaries between friends. This boundary is not out of precaution, but out of resonance, not out of selfish interests, but connected to public life and social laws. This is the way of friends advocated by Confucianism.
If "friends who resonate deeply" are called "deep friendships", "friends who are on the same road" can be called "extensive friendships". Confucianism also advocates making more friends and communicating extensively. Zizhang said: A gentleman should not only respect the wise, but also be tolerant of the masses. If I were a great sage, what could I not tolerate towards others? If I am an unworthy person, others will refuse to associate with me. What right do I have to refuse to associate with others? (Translated from "The Analects of Confucius·Zizhang") There are boundaries in general friendship, but the sense of boundaries does not need to be so strong.
What are the boundaries between friends?
Specifically, what should be the boundaries when making friends? Confucianism advocates taking etiquette and justice as the boundaries. Confucius said: Don't look at things that are not in line with etiquette, don't listen to remarks that are not in line with etiquette, don't say things that are not in line with etiquette, and don't do things that are not in line with etiquette ("The Analects of Confucius·Yan Yuan").
As one of the "Five Ethics", friends also have etiquette and boundaries for how to get along with friends. Once, Zigong said to Confucius, I am tired of studying and want to go to my friends to relax. Confucius said that friends help each other, and they must follow etiquette when helping each other. It is not easy to be with friends, how can you relax ("Xunzi·Duluo"). In other words, when interacting with friends, you must also follow etiquette and have a sense of boundaries.
Confucianism has some specific regulations on the boundaries between friends. For example, Zengzi said that if a friend dies and grass grows on his grave the next year, you can no longer cry for him (Book of Rites Tan Gong 1). Crying for a friend for a long time is harmful to your health and is not in line with the principle of "kissing" ("Mencius: Devoting Your Heart").
Although close relationships come from "long-term frequent interactions" (the fifth edition of "Social Psychology" edited by Hou Yubo), some students are confused about the degree of "frequency" and how to grasp the rhythm of interaction. Confucius' words can provide reference.
Confucius said that in the process of communicating with friends, if their words and deeds are too cumbersome, they will become alienated ("The Analects of Confucius Li Ren"). It can be seen that if the frequency of interaction between friends exceeds a certain range, it is not directly proportional to the degree of intimacy. Confucius also said that if a friend makes a mistake, one should sincerely advise the friend and guide the friend with good intentions, but if the friend does not listen, stop talking to avoid humiliating yourself ("The Analects of Confucius·Yan Yuan"). Although admonition is the way to get along with friends, stopping and not speaking is a manifestation of a sense of boundaries. Saying it again and again will make people feel that their private lives have been interfered with and their boundaries have been violated.
The highest state of friendship
When interacting with friends, we should not only pay attention to etiquette, but also pay attention to righteousness. Righteousness means appropriateness and should. Righteousness and benefit are relative. Cultivated people value righteousness rather than benefit. "The Analects of Confucius Xiangdang" records: After a friend of Confucius passed away, there were no relatives to bury him. Confucius said, let me bury him! Confucius' words reflected his "loyalty" to his friends and his initiative to take responsibility. In daily life, we often hear people say: "This friend is very righteous!" Being righteous means putting "should" before personal interests. Justice is also reflected in a mentality of equal communication. Duke Ping of Jin and Haitang were friends, and Duke Ping of Jin went to Haitang. When Haitang said to go in, Duke Ping went in, and when Duke Ping said to sit down, he sat down. When he said to eat, he ate. Even if it was brown rice and vegetable soup, Duke Ping of Jin did not dare not eat enough ("Mencius·Wan Zhang 2").
Friendships should not only follow the principles of etiquette and justice, but also be trustworthy. Zixia said that when interacting with friends, you must be trustworthy when speaking. Zengzi reflected on himself many times every day and whether he was honest in his interactions with friends ("The Analects of Confucius·Xueer"). It can be seen that integrity is the principle and boundary of friendship.
The result of being honest is to be trusted. Confucius regarded being able to be trusted by friends as one of the three contents of his life aspirations ("The Analects of Confucius·Gongye Chang"). "The function of trust in human psychology is simplification" (Zheng Yefu's "On Trust"). Simplification is the result of mutual trust and a manifestation of close friendship. Mutual trust means that the sense of boundaries is integrated into the inner body and becomes invisible. You can do whatever you want without going beyond the proper etiquette and boundaries. Having boundaries and no sense of boundaries is the highest state of friendship.
To sum up, Confucianism advocates that the meaning of friendship lies in assisting friends to achieve self-improvement. The word "assistance" not only explains the meaning of friendship, but also defines the boundaries of friends. Emotional adjustment and spiritual settlement depend on people's self-cultivation. When making friends, you should make "good friends". Who you make friends with is itself a kind of demarcation.
In the process of making friends, Confucianism advocates using etiquette and justice as the boundaries to regulate and control friendship. Friendship that conforms to etiquette and justice will be longer, stronger, and warmer. The friendship between villains has neither fixed boundaries nor a sense of boundaries, and everything is centered on personal interests; the friendship between gentlemen has boundaries and a sense of boundaries, but the highest-level people's words and deeds are consistent with the boundaries but have no sense of boundaries.
In Xunzi's view, the highest benevolence is "self-love" ("Xunzi·Zidao"), which emphasizes setting boundaries for oneself, self-respect and self-love. Intimacy focuses on spiritual integration and emotional integration, rather than the absence of boundaries. Confucius said that a virtuous person is not lonely and will definitely have friends, just like living in a place there must be neighbors ("The Analects of Confucius Li Ren"). Mencius said that the outstanding people in a township will make friends with the good people in the same township, the outstanding people in a country will make friends with the outstanding people in the country, and the outstanding people in the world will make friends with the outstanding people in the world ("Mencius·Wan Zhang 2").
Friendship will "expand my narrow life into a vast and infinite life" (Qian Mu's "Late Learning of Blind Language").
(The author Zhou Geng is an associate professor at the Cultural Quality Education Center of Beijing Jiaotong University)
